Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Employee of the Year (or Stop Drugging Me!)

The following is a reconstruction of events as I see them. Names have been omitted to protect those in the Witness Relocation Program.

Employee of the year. What an honor. I think there was a comedian once who said something along the lines of the only bigger loser than the employee of the year is the one who isn't. Think about it. It's all bullshit, doesn't make a lick of sense, and those who work their asses off are seldom chosen. It is for those who need special encouragement or just recently sold their soul to Lucifer.

In this case I think it was to make a few people in the "program" feel better about themselves. Not exactly on the top of my list but hey, what do I know?

The firm had a big "to do" about the employee of the year. I was ready for a glass of wine (which tended to flow rather freely at these events) as I had just moved the night before and had listened to a bunch of people go on and on about how wonderful these losers were. Actually, one of them deserved it the other two, ahem, well, it may very well be a good thing that I don't run the world.

No sooner had the ramblings stopped that the wine opened. I like red. White is okay, but red wine gets my attention quickly. A co-worker who shall from here on out be referred to as "the aging hippie" had opened a bottle. She rather graciously poured me a glass. Mmmmm. Red wine. Aghghgghghghgh (a la Homer Simpson). I nursed the wine. I had a second glass. Boom, I started talking about Ronald Reagan being my father. (I like to confuse the issue--I figure my exact patronage was never made clear to me why should it be clear to these assholes!). A non-white attorney (if I stated his or her exact race or gender, they would oh so easily be identified) asked me "Really, Ronald Reagan is your father? What is he like?" I said "Just like every other Republican, a racist jackass!" You could hear a pin drop. I excused myself to get some cheese.

Another white male attorney (90% of what is there) said "hey, I heard what you said and I"m a republican." I replied "yet you seem so intelligent." Silence.

During all of this my glass of wine had kicked in. I was certifiably off my gourd. I can't tell if it was sodium pentathol and desoxyn (my personal favorite) or GHB, but it was certainly something. Most people get somewhat timid when drugged. I get really ballsy. Not that you could hear it but in the background outside of the conference room you could hear my name being hysterically paged over and over again on the firm's paging system.

Things get a bit blury right about here but one of the firm's partner's rushes in and hands me a cell phone. The person on the other end sounded a great deal like George Bush (GW, the sitting president). After what had just been going on in my life it wasn't such a stretch. I am an amateur code cracker. I fit the profile. You have to be part crazy but during times of war people like us are sought out and treated quite well as the information we decipher can be quite valuable. I had played with some numbers and events and came up with a potential when and where. Someone coupled this with the what and boom, a major terrorist strike was averted. I was happy to play my part. What I am most unhappy about is that people thought this was proof positive that I was somehow in cahoots with the bad guys. This saddens me more than just about anything that has happened to me in my life and I have endured much. I did what I did thinking it might help AVERT a catastrophe. To somehow be associated with those wishing to cause same, I get sick when I think that people like this are everywhere inside the beltway.

Back to the event. So this GW sounding guy is on the phone and mentions my contribution. I ask, nearly immediately, "Where is my medal?" He said "there is no medal for civilians." I said "well then make one!" He said "there are just some things about you I can't overlook." I said "then how about one of your daughters?" He said "You are not going near either one of my daughters." I reply "Yeah, it's probably better to keep alcoholism out of the gene pool." Silence. He responds "Let me give you a piece of my mind." To which I reply "Are you sure you can afford to to that?" Silence. We talked about New Orleans and I told him to fuck off. The phone was ripped out of my hand. Maybe it was GW. I am quite certain I will never know the real truth. The more I think about this, however, I am relatively certain it was a bad GW impersonator. As delusional as I can be, I do know that if the President wants to speak with you, you'll know. You are normally notified in advance so to give you time to prepare. Every President has some comedian who does a relatively convincing impersonation. Guess the work for that has dried up a bit.

Drugs kicking into overdrive I go seeking more red wine.

One of the attorneys I worked with comes in claiming to be "looking" for me. She said something about them probably firing me. I asked what for. She said the firm had me followed, etc., I lived in a bad neighborhood and seemed to be engaging in suspicious activity. I told her to go look up the fireman's case. She said "So, now you think you're a fireman?" "No, I don't think I'm a fireman but if the reference is lost on you I'm not really worried about getting fired." (The firemans case is basically about an employer's inability to use an employee's outside of work activities as a reason to terminate or dictate terms of employment.)

She said that she had heard through "the grapevine" that I was trying to get what I thought was my money. She told me "You are not going to get your money. See, we live in a meritocray. Do you know what I mean?" I said "Yes, I agree but that meritocracy is predicated upon a system of property rights and that is why the rest of the world invests here. You can't have a bunch of people just "deciding" that someone else's money would be better utilized by people perceived to be more deserving. That ain't gonna happen here and not with my money." She said "If you get the money you'll be killed." I said I was prepared to die to make sure you bitches don't profit from anything of mine." There was more about this. I am probably not recalling it perfectly.

That is how the Witness Relocation Program works. It isn't government funded but those in the "program community" are given immunity from prosecution. They can do whatever they want. They all have get out of jail passes. The majority of the meth trade, as I understand things, will never go away because those in it are in the program and will never get caught. They operate with law enforcement knowing what they are doing and who they are.

That is why DOJ directive specifically prohibit those in the "program community" from working in the legal industry. A bunch of these assholes with licesnes to practice law would allow them to take real property from innocent citizens with no recourse available to the victims. And we criticize Sadam? Call other terrorists? Tea kettle pot black or something like that comes to mind.

She said "And now I hear you think you're Ronald Reagan's son." I said "That would explain why the secret service hauled me out of class at my junior high school the day he was shot." She asked "What junior high school." I replied "Carson." In Mesa, AZ." She said "Oh my God you really were raised by Nazis. You probably are related to him. Don't you think you should have told someone? It might have affected the way you have been treated." I told here that until this very day, I was largely satisfied with the way I had been treated (I really need to go back into therapy and work on my masochistic leanings).

I told her that I found it interesting that because I was raised by the Nazis that she knew that, that gave me credibility.

She asked if I had ever sold drugs. I said no. (I really never have.) She said "Good, because if you do that once it never goes away. " I think she was trying to tell me that she was still in business. She did not know that I knew she used to sell crank for some of my relatives. We were at the same college together at the same time and she had half the student body wired. I heard it was pretty good shit to boot.

She said that I am now being viewed much diffently than I was before. I took my index finger and dried my eyes (for effect) and said "Oh, well, then it's all been worth it." She said "Oh my God you are an asshole." Indeed.

Another partner's secretary comes in and hands me yet another cell phone. Her partner said "what you said to so and so was just out of hand." Words were exchanged. I ended it with "I didn't get this far by sitting around polishing my fish forks." Laughter on the other end. I said "How is it reasonable that people in this firm can congregate outside my home with intentions of locking me up in a cage at National General Hospital?" He demanded to know how I knew that and then said "Oh, that's why I sent so and so." Could be. So and so has bailed me out a couple of times. I love her. However, she does have her own agenda.

I kept sipping wine. At this point about 1.5 hours had elapsed and I had about 4 glasses.

My former stepmother now turned Legal Secretary with a new name, eye color, and face, came up to me and said "enjoy your stay at National General." (they lock people up in cages in the basement of National General Hospital in Denver and use them for experimentation and behavior modification. All of it sick and illegal and if the world could see what goes on there, I don't dare speculate as to what the fallout would be.)

I went home having consumed maybe 5 glasses of wine over 2.5 hours. I slept for 48 hours. Please keep in mind that someone at this event and who poured me wine is a home vinter and could have very easily put something in the wine and no one would be the wiser, save for yours truly.

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